New parenthood is a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.
Intense joy, worry and amazement are some of the emotions you might feel. You might wonder what your baby will be like or what kind of parent you'll be. Parenting involves ‘on the job’ learning with a lot of new information to process.
It’s common for doubts and fears to rise to the surface.
Sometimes our thoughts can form a pattern, like an automatic mental habit that we get ‘stuck in’.
“I didn’t want to leave the house, because I didn’t want to drive in case something terrible happened.”
Managing challenging thoughts by looking at them from a different angle is called reframing.
Discussed below are some of the most common thinking patterns experienced by expecting and new parents, and some ways you might like to manage those thoughts if they arise.
Your brain changes when you become a parent
The transition to parenthood is one of the biggest changes that will happen in your lifetime.
Researchers have found certain regions of the brain are particularly active in new parents, both mum and dads. These regions include the:
- Emotional processing network which helps us stay alert, bond and build a relationship with our baby.
- Mentalising network which helps us to focus our attention and understand our baby’s non-verbal signals that let us know how meet their needs.
Hormonal changes can affect both parents. Sleep deprivation, physical changes and stress can impact our thoughts, mood and wellbeing.
For some people, pregnancy and parenthood can also trigger strong feelings and thoughts about the parenting choices our parents made. Sometimes we will remember or think about things from our childhoods that may be upsetting or traumatic.
You might also feel overwhelmed by information and opinions.
New parents can often feel bombarded by advice from:
- Family and friends
- Parenting books
- Healthcare providers
- Media articles
- Social media influencers
How our thoughts can shape our world
When we experience a distressing emotion, it usually begins with a challenging thought.
Our thoughts often come from certain types of unconscious, automatic thinking styles (scroll down to see a list of different thinking styles).
Thinking styles can become a habit and lead to a pattern of challenging thoughts.
It’s important to note that there is usually a ‘trigger’ which sets off a response in our brain.
For example, let’s look at the emotion of guilt.
Trigger: Baby is not putting on weight quickly.
Thinking style: Personalisation
Challenging thought: ‘I must be a bad mother because my baby hasn’t put on enough weight’
Distressing emotions: guilt and shame
It’s good to be curious about our thoughts and be open to new ways of thinking about ourselves and different situations. If we notice ourselves feeling a distressing emotion like guilt, we can try to identify if there was an unconscious thinking habit that led to the feeling.
Awareness of different thinking styles can help stop a challenging thought in its tracks.
People with a background of trauma or PTSD may experience challenging thoughts, including unwanted intrusive thoughts. Counselling can be very helpful to learn how to manage our responses to trauma, including different ways of thinking.
You can call PANDA at any time for support if you’re experiencing distressing thoughts or would like support with reframing your thoughts.
Some common thinking styles and how to reframe them
1
Thinking style: Catastrophising
2
Thinking style: Personalisation
3
Thinking style: Black and white thinking
4
Thinking style: ‘Should’-ing
5
Thinking style: Labelling
6
Thinking style: Magnification and Minimisation
The way we see the world is not always a reflection of how things actually are. During the perinatal period, when you are tired, stressed and experiencing immense change, it can be easy to slip into thinking patterns that may not be realistic or helpful. Recognise that this may be happening and be kind to yourself while you adjust to your new reality and know that you will move through this difficult phase. If you are finding your thoughts particularly hard to manage or distressing, PANDA can help.
When your own mental health and wellbeing needs are supported, you’re in a much better position to support and care for others, including your baby. Looking after yourself is one of the most loving, protective things you can do for your baby, and yourself as a parent.
Sarah's story: Managing challenging thoughts
"I would hardly go outside because I was scared something bad would happen. I felt like I was the only person who could protect Lexi, putting a strain on my marriage. I was absolutely exhausted."
PANDA National Helpline
Find someone to talk to, Monday to Saturday.
1300 726 306
Call 000 for police and ambulance if you or someone else are in immediate danger
Talk with friends or family
Consider talking about how you are feeling with someone you trust. This might be a friend or family member. Once you starting talking you might be surprised at how many others have had similar experiences and the support they can provide you.
Talk with your doctor
Talking with your doctor can be an important step to getting the help you need. They should be able to give you non-judgemental support, assessment, diagnosis, and ongoing care and treatment. They can also refer you to specialists such as a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist.
Get help now
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are feeling disorientated it’s important to get help immediately. PANDA is not a crisis service, if you need immediate support call Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7).