Maybe you’ve spent a lifetime dreaming of becoming a parent, or perhaps you arrived at parenthood in a more unplanned way. No matter the amount of time spent planning to become a parent, you’ve likely been absorbing decades of preconceived ideas about parenthood without even realising.
Many mums who call the PANDA Helpline share that they spent so much time focusing on their pregnancy and thinking about their birth, that when their baby arrived, they realised they hadn’t really considered what the realities of motherhood might actually involve.
Likewise, dads who contact PANDA for support share that they feel lots of mixed emotions during pregnancy, when the idea of having a baby is more abstract, and pregnancy often unplanned. Dads may feel shy or too ashamed to share how they’re feeling, often for fear of judgement.
At a time when people expect you to be over the moon, it can be really confronting to admit to yourself or others that you’re not enjoying the parenthood journey.
For many, being a parent is harder than they thought it would be.
Maybe it’s completely different to what you’d imagined. It’s understandable you might feel worried about voicing your real opinion on how you’re finding parenthood in case no one understands you- or worse, judges you.
Emma's story
Mother of three, Emma Britton, loves her boys. There’s nothing she wouldn’t do to protect them, but there are days when she wants her old life back more than anything.
Her feelings of ambivalence began almost immediately after birth. Emma had experienced fertility struggles and a fourth-degree tear during her first birth. She remembers feeling how she had already failed her son.
“There’s such a perspective on motherhood that involves you being selfless and being there for your children all the time and ‘loving every minute’ -I hate that phrase.”
Emma remembers feeling, ‘I'm not enjoying this...I'm not feeling those overwhelming feelings of love. Therefore, I must lack that ability to be able to love my child and love being a parent’.
It's very common to yearn for your pre-parenthood identity, free time and lack of responsibility. Having a new baby is a big adjustment.
Becoming a parent changes almost all areas of our lives – relationships, careers, bodies, sense of responsibility and sense of identity.
We also face society in our new role of ‘mother’ or ‘father’ with many expectations, pressures and judgements.
Think about some of the statements you may have heard that have shaped your beliefs about parenthood without you realising it.
- ‘They’re only little once, you’ve got to make the most of every minute’
- ‘Life as you know it is over now, mate’
- ‘Once you have a baby, you’ll never put yourself first again’
- ‘Just you wait, the mum guilt starts the minute you realise you’re pregnant’
- ‘You need to bounce back to your pre-pregnancy body’
- ‘Motherhood/fatherhood is the most fulfilling part of life’
- ‘Good on you for babysitting!’
- ‘Is this your first nappy change? Better hand him back to Mum, she’s the expert’
- ‘You’ll never get a full night’s sleep again’
- ‘It’s all downhill from here. Wait til she starts walking!’
- ‘Breast is best!’
- ‘You’ll never know love like it’
- ‘Are you going back to work?’
- ‘When are you having another one? Don’t leave it too long, you don’t want to be an old mum’
- ‘Don’t have a baby too young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you’
- ‘You’re home all day with the baby, surely you can keep the house looking nice and put dinner on the table’
The more parents try to live by these societal rules, the more they struggle with guilt, anger, low confidence, anxiety and depression.
Modern motherhood
In the early days of parenting, some people can feel ambivalent towards their child before they really start to form a close bond. Yet much of the ambivalence that many new mothers feel has more to do with the concept of motherhood.
Motherhood looks different in different cultures, different countries and different time periods.
Many mothers living in Australia today have access to free medical care, clean living conditions and enough food to eat yet they feel overwhelmed with pressure to ‘get it right’ with parenting. This pressure comes from many different places, including a disconnection from community.
“Think about what were the rules of good motherhood that you unknowingly took on and that you may still hold in your head. And an exercise you can do is to write down all of these rules, like what a perfect mum is: What does she look like? What is she wearing? How does she feel? How old is she? How was her experience in becoming a mother? What does she do for work or not? Then you go through and you're like, hang on a second, this snapshot is a lot of pressure.”
Motherhood studies sociologist, Dr Sophie Brock advises new mums to consider, ‘Do I actually believe that? What things here do I want to let go of, and what things are actually important as part of my values, experiences of ambivalence, or of regret, or of questioning? Is this the life that I want to live?
Reflecting on her experience of making it through those feelings of parenting ambivalence with her three boys, Emma remembers, ‘I called PANDA fairly soon. I cried on the phone and talked about how I was feeling, it felt like there was somebody there that could make me feel like I wasn't alone’.
“Make sure you look after yourself. You don’t have to enjoy every minute of it. There’s going to be points in time where you hate it and just think it’s awful... but you get through it”
Dads are affected too
Parental ambivalence isn’t just limited to new mums either. Dads often experience shame about not feeling 'connected' to their baby, both during pregnancy and after their baby is born. This is sometimes because they aren’t the ones who experience pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding firsthand. Pregnancy and fatherhood can seem quite abstract and confusing to some dads. Sometimes it’s because they aren’t sure of the expectations of their role in their baby’s life.
Father of one, Chris, remembers finding out his partner was pregnant.
“To be honest, I never really wanted to be a parent. Probably because of my own parents, my own upbringing. It was just never on the cards for me, and we both thought that ship had sailed for different reasons.”
Dads can bond with their baby by gaining confidence in care related tasks such as nappy changing, bathing, taking baby out in the pram and bottle feeding (if this is an option).
See here for more ideas on connecting with your baby Connecting with your baby.
Reflecting on how far he’s come on his parenting journey, Chris says, ‘I just feel that I've been blessed with such a beautiful human that surprises me every day. Oscar is so loving, so intelligent. He's got a wicked sense of humour. And I'm a proud dad.’ You can read Chris’s story here: Chris' Story.
You can learn more about parenting ambivalence in the perinatal period in this episode of PANDA’s Survive and Thrive Podcast.
Helpful Information
Podcast: How our ideas of parenthood make us feel like we’re failing
Helpful Information