I’m Chris. I’m 47 now, but I was 42 when my partner Suzi and I had our son Oscar. We’re both registered nurses, and our family lives in regional Victoria.
We’d been together a year when we found out that Suz was pregnant. It was such a shock. Suzi didn’t think she was able to get pregnant, after multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF with a previous partner. To be honest, I never really wanted to be a parent. Probably because of my own parents, my own upbringing. It was just never on the cards for me, and we both thought that ship had sailed for different reasons.
But then we had Oscar. There’s a new sense of purpose when you become a parent, it broadens your scope. It’s such deep, deep love. Even though it was something I never thought I wanted, I now don't know what I would have done without Oscar, and without my partner – they’ve changed my life.
My Dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in January 2018, then in April I found out that we were pregnant. Dealing with dad dying and the fact we were about to have a baby was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Dad died in September, then Oscar was born two months later. I didn’t cope well with the situation, but I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.
There was something special about visiting Dad with Suz - this beautiful, glowing pregnant woman, full of new life, her presence in this space of someone dying.
Managing mental health as a couple
When Suz became pregnant and when Dad got sick, that strengthened our relationship. Going into it Suz and I both had a history of mental health issues. We received great mental health support all the way through pregnancy and after the birth because our care team knew about it.
My mum died by suicide when I was little. I knew she’d died, but only found out the rest when I was a teenager. Because that was part of my story, it was on my radar. Going into the perinatal period knowing that suicide was part of the landscape, as horrible as it is,it gave me more awareness.
We had pre-emptive conversations. We had our toolkit, based on how we’d each managed our mental health up until that point. It felt reassuring to know that if this or that happens, we’ve got a bit of a plan.
Self-care for dads
I've focused more on addressing my mental health issues since Oscar has come along. It’s such a positive - I’m doing things with him in mind now, to be the best sort of role model, and dad, and friend that I can be.
I haven't always done the best job of looking after myself. In the early stages I would drink, but that was absolutely not helpful. Looking back, I feel like that was actually quite selfish. Everyone needs a release and drinking a few beers was like a reward, thinking my partner would be fine looking after bub.
It’s not just the time you spend drinking though. It’s also the way you pull up in the morning, needing time to recover. You have impaired judgement as soon as you’ve consumed alcohol, so that puts extra stress on your partner too, even if they don’t say anything about it.
It wasn't the best way to manage, and I wish I hadn’t done it. If I could change something, it would be that. I just needed to find different ways to have a release.
Time to look after yourself is important, and it takes some organising and negotiation. You’ve got to take it in turns with that kind of thing. Especially in that early stage when looking after a baby is a constant thing, a 24/7 job.
It’s saying “I’m gonna take some time now, for myself.” Even if that's taking the dog for a walk for half an hour, or just having a nap when you need it.
Time away, quiet time to allow yourself to think and reflect. But self-care is also enjoying your new baby, having time with your family. For me it was also just watching my partner be such an awesome parent.
I just feel that I've been blessed with such a beautiful human that surprises me every day. Oscar is so loving, so intelligent. He's got a wicked sense of humour.
And I'm a proud dad.
“You've got to make the time to spend with your baby. You can't force magical things to happen in a half hour period. Parenthood can be quite boring, the monotony of the routine, but in the middle of all that something magical happens. ”
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