New parents often have expectations of an immediate bond and intense love for their baby when they are born. However, many parents don’t feel that kind of connection straight away.
More than 1 in 3 callers to the PANDA Helpline tell us they don’t feel an instant bond with their baby.
“I felt horribly guilty for not feeling instant love, or overwhelming joy for the baby I so desperately wanted. I felt out of control, and that I had no idea what I was doing, when I ‘should’ have.”
Dads and non-birth parents are more involved in their babies lives than ever before, however they often share with telephone counsellors on PANDA’s Helpline that it took them a while to feel bonded with their baby.
It is also common for one parent’s connection to take longer than the other.
Why aren’t I feeling a bond with my baby?
After having a baby, both parents are adjusting to many changes in their lives. You might be processing difficult feelings and emotions like exhaustion, burnout, sadness, grief, loss and ambivalence. These are common and can impact how you experience bonding with your baby.
Your baby also has their own personality, and it takes time to get to know them and understand them. It’s okay if you don’t feel a bond straight away. The relationship you build with your baby will deepen as you spend time together.
Be gentle and compassionate with yourself – try talking to yourself like you’re speaking to a close friend who has the same concerns to you. Give yourself time to get to know your baby and get used to your new role as parent. Bonding takes time.
Postnatal anxiety, depression and postnatal psychosis can impact the bonding experience
Postnatal anxiety, depression or postnatal psychosis can impact your connection with your baby. Difficult birth experiences and other stressors can also impact your experience of bonding with your baby.
If you are concerned that your emotional or mental state might be affecting your ability to connect with your baby, or that your feelings about bonding with your baby are impacting your mental health, it can help to find the right support.
PANDA’s Helpline is a safe and secure place to express your concerns. Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and feel more confident about exploring different strategies to strengthen the bond with your baby.
Helpful links
The myths and realities of new parenthood
Ideas for bonding with your baby
Simply being with your baby is beautiful bonding and connection time.
You don’t have to do much and there’s no equipment needed. Just being present with your baby is enough. Even if you’re having a hard day, your baby knows that you are there with them.
In the early days, there’s a huge focus on caring for your baby's physical needs (feeding, sleeping, nappy changes). The good news for tired new parents is that all these physical care activities are also opportunities for bonding and connection.
Often, it’s as simple as adjusting something you are already doing to include a focus on you and your baby.
You might like to start trying some of these simple activities to connect with your baby.
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Sight
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Sound
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Scent
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Taste
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Touch
Bonding ideas for parents away from their babies
Sometimes parents need to be away from their babies. This applies for FIFO workers, NICU or hospital stays - any situation when someone else is caring for your baby.
Here are some ideas to stay connected and keep bonding:
- Phone and video calls – babies love the sound of their parents’ voices and seeing their faces.
- Pre-record voicemail messages, or record lullabies or bedtime stories. Your partner or the person caring for your baby can play these for your baby while you’re away.
- Leave a piece of clothing you’ve been wearing (like a t-shirt) so even while you’re apart, baby can still smell your scent and feel close.
- Take photos of your baby and recordings of their little voice with you so you can reflect on time spent together and savour the reunion when it comes.
The Raising Children Network also has some great tips to help you grow the bond with your baby.
Articles
Stories
Mental health checklist
How are you going?
Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.
PANDA National Helpline
Find someone to talk to, Monday to Saturday.
1300 726 306
Call 000 for police and ambulance if you or someone else are in immediate danger
Talk with friends or family
Consider talking about how you are feeling with someone you trust. This might be a friend or family member. Once you starting talking you might be surprised at how many others have had similar experiences and the support they can provide you.
Talk with your doctor
Talking with your doctor can be an important step to getting the help you need. They should be able to give you non-judgemental support, assessment, diagnosis, and ongoing care and treatment. They can also refer you to specialists such as a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist.
Get help now
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are feeling disorientated it’s important to get help immediately. PANDA is not a crisis service, if you need immediate support call Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7).
PANDA CHATBOT
Chat to Dot
Meet Dot. They’re here to support you to explore your mental health and wellbeing during pregnancy and as a new parent.
Helpful links