New parents can have high expectations about the kind of love they are going to immediately feel for their baby. Media and popular culture create an unrealistic narrative of love at first sight, a depth of emotion you have never felt, and feelings of absolute joy and elation. This can add to the pressure new parents feel to love or bond with their baby instantly.
However, many new mums and dads don’t feel that kind of connection straight away.
After having a baby, both parents are adjusting to many changes in their lives, so it’s not surprising that it can take time to feel a connection to this new little being.
Like any other type of relationship, real bonding between mums, dads and bubs can take time. This is completely normal. It is also common for one parent’s connection to take longer than the other.
Telephone counsellors on PANDA’s Helpline often hear dads and non-birth parents tell us they are not connecting with their baby until much later. We know this is common, simply because babies often require a lot of attention from their mum in the early days for feeding or settling.
More than 1 in 3 callers to the PANDA Helpline tell us they don’t feel an instant bond with their baby. If you’re feeling this way, please give yourself and your bub some time to get to know each other.
It’s unlikely you’d fall instantly in love with someone you met for the first time – and it’s the same with meeting your baby. Every parent has a unique relationship with their little one, and it’s normal to take some time to feel things out, and slowly nurture and grow the bond between you.
Why does bonding take time?
Like every human, your baby has their own personality. And like any person you have just met, it takes time to get to know them and understand them. The relationship you build with your baby will deepen as you spend time together.
Becoming a parent can also create difficult emotions. Exhaustion, burnout, sadness, grief, loss and ambivalence are common, and these emotions can be heightened by a difficult pregnancy or birth experience.
Becoming a parent is one the biggest physical and emotional transitions you will ever make in your life. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself – try talking to yourself like you’re speaking to a close friend who has the same concerns to you. Give yourself time to get to know your baby and get used to your new role as parent.
Helpful links
The myths and realities of new parenthood
Ideas for bonding with your baby
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Sight
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Sound
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Scent
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Taste
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Touch
Bonding ideas for parents away from their babies
Sometimes parents need to be away from their babies. This applies for FIFO workers, during holidays, NICU or hospital stays - any situation when someone else is caring for your baby.
Here are some ideas to stay connected and keep bonding:
- Phone and video calls – babies love the sound of their parents’ voices and seeing their faces.
- Pre-record voicemail messages, or record lullabies or bedtime stories. Your partner or the person caring for your baby can play these for your baby while you’re away.
- Leave a piece of clothing you’ve been wearing (like a t-shirt) so even while you’re apart, baby can still smell your scent and feel close.
- Take photos of your baby and recordings of their little voice with you so you can reflect on time spent together and savour the reunion when it comes.
Postnatal anxiety, depression and postnatal psychosis can affect bonding
If you or your partner is struggling with postnatal anxiety or depression or postnatal psychosis this can affect your ability to feel a connection with your baby.
For a mum or dad who is feeling sad, anxious, low on confidence, or lost and confused, it can be hard to sit in the moment and just ‘be’ with your new baby. Being present in each moment with your baby helps with bonding and connection.
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Why don’t I instantly love my baby?
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What’s wrong with me?
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Why do all the other parents at my playgroup seem to adore their babies?
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Will I ever develop that bond with my baby that I hear so much about?
“As part of my journey I met some amazing mums who also were suffering, and we sought peace in knowing we were not alone. My bond with my son has gone from strength to strength and it is like a cloud has lifted from above my head.”
If you are concerned that your emotional or mental state might be affecting your ability to connect with your baby, or that your feelings about bonding with your baby are impacting your mental health, please call PANDA’s Helpline.
PANDA’s Helpline is a safe and secure place to express your concerns. Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and feel more confident about exploring different strategies to strengthen the bond with your baby.
The Raising Children Network (link) also has some great tips to help you grow the bond with your baby.