Nick's story

It might sound weird, but I actually thought I’d be better at being a dad. I mean, I never thought it would be easy, but men have been doing it forever, right?

I was pretty excited leading up to the birth. We went through five years of infertility before we were able to conceive so we both had that extra sense of anticipation. I realised later this meant I was putting a lot more pressure on myself. I was thinking it’s taken this long, this might be the only time it happens, I don’t want to screw it up.

Our daughter Ivy had a lot of difficulty with feeding which in turn affected her ability to sleep, but the hardest thing for me was not being able to help my wife. She was struggling with lack of sleep and anxiety surrounding the feeding issues and being a new mum. I felt there were specific things I could do to help with Ivy’s feeding and sleeping, but I just felt really powerless when my wife was struggling and I didn’t know what to do about it.

When Ivy was around two months old, we accepted a spot in Torrens House where you stay and they help you with sleeping and feeding and so on. I was just desperately hoping we could sort it out before then and we wouldn’t need to go in there. I felt really ashamed that we went in there, like I’d failed as a dad. I just had a very negative attitude towards it like it was an indictment on us, or on me as a parent and husband, rather than looking at it as a chance to get some help.

One night just before going into Torrens House, Ivy woke up in the night and we couldn’t get her back to sleep. That was when it all came down on me. I was exhausted and stressed and I just broke down crying. I was just hit with this feeling like nothing I did was good enough to help this situation we were in. I just wanted to fix it, and not being able to do that really messed with my head.

On top of that I wanted to ‘fix’ all the things that my wife was finding difficult as it was hard for me to see how it was affecting her.

In the past we had relied a lot on each other for support and now that we were both struggling and exhausted our old ways of dealing with stress were no longer working. I reached a point where I asked my wife not to talk to me about her struggles because it was too hard for me to hear and not know how to help.

I became quite controlling of everything we did because it felt like it was all spinning out of my control and I was so worried about my wife being anxious. I was micromanaging everything, which ended up causing more stress around home instead of making it better.

My wife told me she didn’t want me to come into Torrens House because of how I was acting. So I ended up staying at home. That whole week I felt lower than I’d ever felt before. I felt like I was losing my family, like I’d completely stuffed it up. I was really depressed and just wondered what was the point of being here if I’ve mucked it up this badly? I couldn’t see how I could come back from this.

I went and saw a doctor because I knew I needed some help. It wasn’t my regular GP, I just wanted to get in and see anyone. But he wasn’t very helpful at all. He was actually quite dismissive. He said women can get depressed having babies but not men. After that I just felt like I wasn’t worth helping.

The breastfeeding consultant at the hospital mentioned it, and I signed up because I thought it would be helpful to get regular tips on parenting, particularly fatherhood. I was so exhausted that I felt I couldn’t face reading a parenting book. I liked the idea of getting short, sharp messages reminding me to connect with my baby and to check in on my mental health. Each one only took about ten seconds to read, and they were really helpful.

I’d get a text every week saying ‘How’s Dad Going?’ To begin with I just clicked on ‘Going Fine’, even though I wasn’t. But then I just thought I’d click ‘The Worst’ and see what happens. I got a pop up saying ‘Would you accept a call back from a health service?’ I clicked yes and the next day I got a call from PANDA.

All of a sudden I felt like someone understood. It was amazing just having someone who listened. The counsellor spent a lot of time just reassuring me that it was a good thing that I’d reached out for help. She told me it’s actually not a failure that you’ve done this. It just helped to reverse some of the negative thoughts I’d been having.

During that first week – when my wife and baby were in Torrens House – I had a call every day, sometimes more than once a day. And each time we ended the conversation they would ask me if I’d like a follow up call the next day, or perhaps the day after, or maybe the next week. And that was really helpful, just having that sense that someone cares enough to check back in with you. That meant a lot.

While this was happening, my wife had been getting support as well in Torrens House, and I also got in to see my regular doctor. She recommended some medication, and also referred me to a psychologist. Torrens House also connected me with some parenting mental health support through the local council.

So in the end it was a combination of things that led to my recovery. Just knowing that PANDA was there if I needed them made a huge difference. Looking back, the biggest thing was having that first phone call. That really helped shatter the illusion for me that I had to keep it all together, that I had to be a perfect dad. Being told it was OK to not know what I was doing was the single most helpful thing anyone said to me.

I think my biggest fear is to be seen as weak or exposed for not knowing what to do. It’s amazing how powerful it can be to be told it’s OK to take off the mask and the body armour – those things I put up to hide my feelings and protect myself. It helped me to put my shame aside and reach out for help.

Now, I see my counsellor once a month.

I make more effort to connect with friends and to spend time on hobbies that are fulfilling to me. Physically, I aim to be active in some way every day, for 30mins.

For joy, I ensure I spend at least an hour a week on hobbies that I enjoy e.g. playing music.

If I could pass on one message to people reading this I’d say admitting you’re struggling and reaching out for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It’s actually a win because reaching out for help is doing a good thing for your family.

It's ok to not know what to do. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. You're a person of worth, who is worth helping. Caring for a newborn can be bloody hard work and the more experience and confidence you get, and as your child grows up, it gets easier.