You might have heard about being ‘more kind to yourself’ but what does this really mean?
When you’re investing so much physical and mental energy into meeting your baby’s needs, your own needs often get put to the side. That’s why it’s important to practice self-compassion.
According to Kirsten Neff, psychologist and pioneer in the field of self-compassion, there are two types of self-compassion, tender and fierce.
It’s essential that these two faces of self-compassion are balanced and integrated so that we can be whole. When both are present, it creates a caring force that can be used to transform ourselves and the world around us.
Types of self-compassion
Tender self-compassion can feel like a parent soothing their crying child, while fierce self-compassion is like a mother bear who ferociously protects her cubs when threatened.
1
Tender Self-Compassion
2
Fierce self-compassion
So what does this mean for busy new parents?
In practical terms this might look like:
- Prioritising your self-care.
- Reaching out to a trusted friend or family member for a reassuring chat.
- Putting yourself first and prioritising what matters to you while at the same time letting go of what is no longer serving you (e.g. focusing on sleep and letting non-essential housework go).
- Listening to your inner voice and focusing on what works best for you and your family.
- Nurturing yourself by taking a bath, enjoying a walk or wrapping yourself in a calming weighted blanket.
“In the darkest moments when my first born was here I often repeated a mantra to myself, I am not sure where I found it or whether it just came to me. It was very simple and calming for both of us: "You're safe. You're warm. You're loved. And you're fed.”
Talking to yourself like you would a good friend
How we talk to ourselves is an important part of self-compassion.
Often, we are our own worst critic.
In fact, we probably do it without even realising we are doing it. Try to change the tone of your inner voice to one that is kind and gentle. If you are struggling to do this, try imagining what a very compassionate friend might say to you.
An exercise you can try to treat yourself like a good friend
Take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about themselves. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why.
What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Exercise from selfcompassion.org
All new parents need a friendly voice they can turn to during challenging times. With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.
Mental health checklist
How are you going?
Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.