“I would emphasise the significance of seeking help and being kind to yourself. It’s okay to ask for support; recognising that you need it is a vital step in your journey. Don’t be ashamed of your diagnosis—people with BPD are often creative, artistic, insightful, and loving. We pay attention to detail and are deep thinkers. You are much more than your diagnosis, and it does not need to define you or your relationships with your children.”
My journey through motherhood has been shaped by a series of challenges and triumphs, each marked by significant moments of self-discovery and growth.
From the very beginning, my pregnancies came with complications.
I discovered I was expecting my first child while in a psychiatric facility after an overdose at just 18 years old, in 1998. At that time, I was navigating multiple diagnoses—schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and bipolar disorder—without any ongoing treatment to guide me. Survival was my only option.
I sought private therapists and psychiatrists at different times, but most refused to treat me due to my high levels of self-injury. It wasn’t until I received my final dual diagnosis of BPD and dissociative identity disorder (DID) in 2012 at age 32, that I was able to start the process of healing and receive the right treatment.
Challenges of new parenthood while managing BPD
Despite the chaos surrounding my mental health, I formed a strong bond with my first daughter. In those early years, I poured love into her and made a good connection, providing the appropriate support she needed. However, there were periods when I struggled, whether due to being in psychiatric care or facing my own challenges. She was a very strong-willed child, and even though both her parents had difficulty expressing emotions and communicating effectively, I grew up alongside her.
As I navigated my journey as a teen mum, I learned valuable lessons about emotional expression and communication. Now, I often talk openly about my emotions, sharing my mood and needs, and she has developed the ability to express herself well in her own relationships. She navigates her own challenges with a maturity that reflects our shared growth.
When I became pregnant with my second daughter at 27, the challenges intensified. Again, I found out while hospitalised, and this time my relationship with my husband was deteriorating, marked by control and gaslighting that I was just beginning to recognise.
My emotional dysregulation often left me feeling disconnected, especially during my second pregnancy when I experienced high levels of anxiety.
Reflecting on this period, I recognise how my BPD and relational challenges created a perfect storm.
Self-injury became more prevalent as I navigated these feelings, and I wished I had access to the skills I would later learn.
Finding the right support
Bonding with my second daughter was difficult, and I sought help from my GP, unsure whether I was facing postnatal depression or deeper issues. She referred me to a mother-baby unit, where I stayed for five weeks.
My experience in the mother-baby unit was transformative. The support I received helped me begin to bond with my daughter, but unfortunately, there was no follow-up care once I left. I did have a GP I had known since childhood, but she focused on physical health rather than mental health support.
It wasn’t until 2015 that I finally began receiving treatment for my BPD, particularly through Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).
“DBT taught me invaluable skills for emotional regulation and distress tolerance.”
It provided me with tools to manage overwhelming emotions, improve my interpersonal relationships, and cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness. I learned how to navigate the complexities of my feelings, communicate more effectively, and build healthier connections. It offered the coping strategies I desperately needed, such as mindfulness practices, journaling, and building connections with supportive friends. I truly wish I had received this support earlier in my journey, as it has made such a profound difference in my life.
“Throughout this journey, I’ve learned the importance of support.”
Accessing mental health resources like DBT and finding the right therapists allowed me to finally confront and manage my struggles.
For many years, I kept my BPD diagnosis to myself, largely due to the stigma surrounding it. I believed it was a “throwaway” diagnosis—something the medical system assigned when they didn’t know what else to label you with. Now, I work at Spectrum, supporting others with BPD, and I see how wrong my views were. I know that many still hold similar beliefs today. It’s a shame because research suggests that the earlier someone with BPD traits or a diagnosis receives treatment, the better their outcomes. The treatment options available today—such as Mentalisation-Based Treatment (MBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)—are well-researched and have shown great results compared to what was available to me over 20 years ago.
Raising children as a parent with BPD and DID
Fast forward to now, my daughters are 24 and 17, and while their upbringing had its challenges, they have blossomed into remarkable young women, completing their education and embarking on their careers. Both maintain healthy relationships with me and their father, despite our separation.
From the moment I received my diagnosis, I prioritised sharing age-appropriate explanations with my girls. I wanted them to understand that any fluctuations in my behavior were not their fault, but rather reflections of my internal experiences. This transparency helped demystify my condition, fostering an environment of understanding and empathy. I’ve always kept an open door for conversations about the past, encouraging them to ask questions and seek understanding.
Throughout my treatment for DID, I have been anchored by a strong maternal part of myself—one that fiercely protects and nurtures my daughters. Most of the time, they didn’t notice any significant differences in me; the protective nature of my parts ensured that I could fully engage in their lives. As they’ve grown, they’ve mentioned moments when I seemed more playful, energetic, or courageous than at other times, which they now understand in the context of my experiences.
I explained that DID as my brain's way of coping with the extreme trauma I experienced at a young age. This coping mechanism led to the creation of different parts, or alters, that helped me survive. Through my treatment, I’ve learned more about these parts of me and how to provide the support they didn’t receive as children. While some parts may still be stuck in trauma memories—having once served to keep me safe—they no longer need to carry that burden now that I’m older.
At times, parenting was particularly challenging because I found myself simultaneously parenting the inner parts of myself. However, this dual role grounded me in the purpose behind my hard work - to ensure that the generational trauma passed down through my family would stop with me.
“By embracing our differences and fostering a safe space for conversations about mental health, I believe my daughters have thrived.”
A message for other parents
To other parents with BPD who are pregnant or parenting, I would emphasise the significance of seeking help and being kind to yourself. It’s okay to ask for support; recognising that you need it is a vital step in your journey. Don’t be ashamed of your diagnosis—people with BPD are often creative, artistic, insightful, and loving. We pay attention to detail and are deep thinkers. You are much more than your diagnosis, and it does not need to define you or your relationships with your children.
For emotional regulation and distress tolerance, grounding techniques and creative outlets can be immensely helpful. Embrace your unique qualities as strengths and remember that you can build meaningful connections with your children, regardless of the challenges you face.
Above all, being a parent is a beautiful challenge. It has taught me resilience, love and the power of vulnerability. Each day is an opportunity to grow alongside my daughters, and I cherish the bond we share.
“My journey, while difficult, has been filled with learning and growth, and I am grateful for the strength I’ve found along the way.”
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