I'm 36 years old and moved to Adelaide from New Zealand six years ago to be with my wife. In 2019, our daughter was born.
One of the biggest challenges for me during the perinatal period was communicating with my wife. While my expectations of parenthood largely lined up with the reality we faced, it was learning how I could best support my wife that was surprising and difficult.
Usually for new parents the nights are the hardest part, but for me it was going to work in the morning. Every day was extremely stressful being away from my family while my wife was at home learning how to be a parent, and I tried to provide reassurance over the phone. I began to dread every text that arrived because I was confused and uncertain about what to say or do to help.
While our daughter was healthy and thriving, my wife struggled during the postnatal period. I needed to learn how to communicate better with her. I didn't know what to say or do to help. Initially, I just flipped straight into the "problem-solving" mode and tried to suggest ways for her to fix things but that wasn't what she needed. I found it difficult to understand what she did need. Often it was just to be listened to (which I found intensely frustrating). Sometimes I just had no idea what to say. I felt utterly useless and helpless.
Stressing about my family at home while I was at work during the day started taking a toll on my mental health. I felt like I couldn't talk to my wife about it because I didn't want to impact on her. So, I got in touch with a men's helpline to talk a few things through and researched some fatherhood websites for strategies. I took on as much housework as I could, and we called for backup: her mum, our child and family health nurse, and our GP.
It didn't improve right away, but at least I felt like I had made things slightly easier for us and that I was in control of the situation a little more. Slowly by the time our daughter was nine months old we started finding a rhythm and things got better. We learned to communicate with each other better.
“Make sure your expectations are realistic - I think the first 6-9 months of parenthood is hard on everyone. Learning new ways to communicate and support each other takes time and work.”
Helpful Information
Communicating with your partner in the perinatal period
PANDA National Helpline
Find someone to talk to, Monday to Saturday.
1300 726 306
Call 000 for police and ambulance if you or someone else are in immediate danger
Talk with friends or family
Consider talking about how you are feeling with someone you trust. This might be a friend or family member. Once you starting talking you might be surprised at how many others have had similar experiences and the support they can provide you.
Talk with your doctor
Talking with your doctor can be an important step to getting the help you need. They should be able to give you non-judgemental support, assessment, diagnosis, and ongoing care and treatment. They can also refer you to specialists such as a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist.
Get help now
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are feeling disorientated it’s important to get help immediately. PANDA is not a crisis service, if you need immediate support call Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7).
More Stories
Helpful Information