I came to Sydney for my master’s degree. Shortly after arriving, I met my now-husband. We got married after four years and had a baby in July 2022. Aside from my in-laws and my daughter, I have no family here.
Experiencing a traumatic birth
I had my first panic attack the second day after the birth. On paper, my birth experience probably looked rather normal. It was traumatic for me. My daughter was head down but facing forward (posterior), which resulted in a very painful labour with no progress. So, I was asked to make decisions quickly. I opted for an epidural and induction. She was born shortly after, but I was just exhausted and not happy. There was not a lot of sleep, and I was often alone in the hospital. It was, overall, a bad experience.
So, I asked to speak to a social worker there. After she left, I had a panic attack. The nurses suggested I go on a walk. Unfortunately, they were either not trained or had no time to help. I was discharged two hours later. At home, I cried hysterically. I got better the next few days because I was able to sleep.
I thought pregnancy and parenthood would be tough, but I could swing it.
“I did not take into account how intense the recovery from pregnancy and birth would be, nor the toll it would take on my mental health.”
This was the darkest place I've ever been to.
When my mother went back to our home country two weeks later, I had a breakdown with constant panic attacks and depression. I couldn't eat, get out of bed, or hold my daughter. I straight away wanted help.
My husband had to take on all the childcare duties for a while and stay home longer than initially planned. It traumatised him. I told my mother-in-law, who immediately came to our help.
Seeking help and the recovery journey
I felt somewhat normal one day and terrible the next. That was a very clear sign that I needed help. I didn’t want to suffer anymore.
I made an appointment with my GP, who put me on a mental health plan and prescribed me antidepressants and some emergency medications at the first appointment. I was able to get a therapy appointment the same week. This goes to show that health professionals take these things very seriously and are eager to help us as fast as possible.
Things improved quickly in some ways. My mood came up again, but there were bad days too. It took a while to get the medication right. Once the depression waned, I started having intrusive (unintentional and unwanted) thoughts of harm coming to my baby. At first, I imagined her bumping her head while I carried her. It evolved from there. One morning, I was in the kitchen, and a voice told me to stab her. I was terrified and had a massive panic attack. I was worried I was losing my mind. I went for a two-hour walk with my daughter while on the phone with my mum. My doctor then referred me to a psychiatrist who increased my dose and diagnosed postnatal obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The thoughts disappeared. In therapy, I worked through those thoughts as well. Turns out, I get them when I think I am an incompetent mother.
I am still in therapy and on anti-depressants. In my everyday life, I pay attention to signs of me being exhausted, stressed or down. These are the times I am most vulnerable.
Practicing self-care
There are many little one-percenters that improve my overall health: walks, meditation, gardening, socialising, allowing myself and my partner some slack in the household, etc.
“I felt ashamed about my violent intrusive thoughts. However, there was nothing to be ashamed of.”
For parents who might be struggling, you will get better. You are working hard and doing your best. You are never alone. I didn't choose nor want this, and neither do you.
