I am 36 and married to my husband Dave. We have two sons, Conor (3) and Charlie (6 months). I met my husband in 2012 when I moved back to Australia after travelling in Europe for 9 months. Dave is Irish and all his family live in Ireland. It is only my family that live here. I am a qualified teacher but made the move to return to the beauty industry and trained in the graduate diploma of cosmetic dermal science. I am now working in that field, and I love it.
Noticing something wasn’t right
We planned my first son Conor, and I had an easy pregnancy. It wasn’t until after his birth that I noticed something wasn’t right. It was 3 days after the birth when I realised how much I was struggling with my mental health. I had no bond with him, and I didn’t want to hold him and just wanted people to take him away. The guilt I felt was hard to deal with and I felt so ashamed that I felt so empty towards him.
When preparing for parenthood, I was quite open to the challenges of motherhood in terms of tiredness; however, nothing could have prepared me for the reality. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) meant that while my son was sleeping, I was awake, checking that he was still breathing, but repeating the checking.
“I wasn’t prepared for the debilitating effect of sleep deprivation.”
My second son, Charlie, was unplanned. We had decided not to have any more children after the struggles I had with Conor. I noticed my anxiety climbing during my early second trimester and spoke with my doctor who put me in touch with a counsellor and psychiatrist who helped me manage my thoughts and fears.
Finding the right support
I had an amazing visiting midwife who came to see me for my final home visit, and she asked me if I was okay. At first, I said yes, but then she asked, “Are you really?”. This made me break down and admit that I wasn’t okay. She made a call to my obstetrician who was so amazing.
“She also put me in touch with PANDA and spoke with my child health nurse. To this day I feel that she saved my life.”
My obstetrician was amazing. She was supportive and easy to talk to. She referred me for counselling but also made emergency appointments in her fully booked appointment book to help me. I feel so lucky to have had such an amazing woman to help me through this difficult time.
I attended weekly counselling sessions and while they discussed the mother and baby unit (MBU) with me, I never anticipated that I would need to go there. I never felt that my case was serious enough to go there.
Attending a mother and baby unit
I self-harmed and eventually planned to take my life. My counsellor recommended I go to the MBU and referred me there, but I was put on a waitlist.
One evening I put my keys and a few important belongings where I could quietly grab them and then I planned to leave my husband and son and drive away from them. I felt that they would be happier without me. For some reason I didn’t do this and called my counsellor instead. My counsellor recommended I go to the emergency department. I did this and was eventually taken into the MBU.
“It was such a difficult time but the help and therapy I received while there really helped me understand my illness and helped me to connect with my son. I owe so much to the MBU and Raphael clinic.”
My husband really struggled, and he felt really lost as he didn’t know how to help me. It was a major challenge for us, but he was so supportive of me and was there for me every step of the way. I stayed in the MBU with Conor for 5 weeks. It was hard on my husband to be away from both of us for so long, but he visited us every day. The experience has made us talk more about mental health and brought us closer.
“Once I found the right support, it was like a weight off my shoulders. I was able to look at my feelings and know I shouldn’t be ashamed.”
We are closer as a family and talk about our feelings. I get scared that my sons will get depression in the future, but I know that my husband and I will be there to support them if it ever comes to that.
Ongoing management and self-care
Now, I speak more openly to my friends and family. It helps to share my story with others and speak with other women who have had postnatal depression or anxiety. I will always be open to returning to see a psychiatrist and psychologist when needed.
I practice grounding exercises and mindfulness exercises to calm myself. I love jigsaw puzzles and using my Calm app.
“As hard as it is to believe it when things seem so overwhelming and difficult, it really does get better. ”
Trust your loved ones - I spent so long not wanting to worry anyone but when I finally told my husband and family how I was feeling, they felt relieved and have always been there for me.
If you feel that you can’t speak to friends/family, then reach out to PANDA or your doctor.
“Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. People who love you will love and support you no matter what. All you need to do is reach out.”
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