Lauren's story: How I found the right support

Tell us a little about yourself and your family

My wife, Alex, and I met in early 2014 and married around 2 years later. I grew up an army child and went to ten different schools, so I was very used to travelling and moving every couple of years. I had no intention of ever getting married or having kids, well into my thirties.

Within 18 months of meeting Alex that changed, and we set about researching how we'd make a family. We now have two daughters (aged 4 and 2) conceived via IVF with donor sperm. I birthed both babies.

Our first is from my egg, and our second is from my wife's egg (with the same sperm donor). Alex and I live on the southside of Brisbane and have a much loved/spoilt British Bulldog named Dolly and a rescue cat, Cookie.

When did you notice you were having difficulty with your mental health and wellbeing?

I've always been an anxious type, and had moderate bouts of depression in my earlier years which were resolved with lifestyle changes.

During my first pregnancy I had a lot of health issues and really struggled with anxiety. Once my baby was born I was very much in the love bubble for a few months, but I really struggled being home alone.

Postnatal depression really hit me when my daughter was 6 months old, and for the first time in my life I was placed on a low dose antidepressant which really helped. I remained on this throughout my second pregnancy.

I had hyperemesis gravidarum (an extreme form of morning sickness) with my second pregnancy, but my anxiety and depression were well managed. Again, when my daughter was 6 months old, I found myself in a deep depression and incredibly anxious and unable to sleep. I felt like I was neck deep in wet cement and even the most basic daily tasks seemed insurmountable.

What were the expectations you had of pregnancy and new parenthood and how were they different to the reality you experienced?

With my first baby I was very focused on the pregnancy and birth. I had given very little thought to what happens after you bring a baby home.

Like so many other women, you hear the messages of 'sleep now while you can' and 'you've never been tired like you will be with a new baby', but I suppose I shrugged these off and didn't know how much the sleep deprivation would impact me. I expected to be out, active, social, and enjoying my 12 months of maternity leave with my beautiful baby. But I was anxious and stayed home a lot trying to get her to sleep.

I had a terrible experience with a maternal health nurse. I had gone for help because my baby was not sleeping unless she was attached to me, and I was told that my anxiety was making my baby that way and that I needed to let her 'cry it out'. This went against everything I felt in my gut but I still internalised the message that I was making my daughter this way, so I carried shame for that.

With my second daughter I was much better prepared to fight off these types of messages and follow my instincts, but being pregnant and having a new baby during COVID was very isolating. I adored my baby but was so depressed and getting no joy out of parenting.

I carried a huge amount of guilt for this as we'd wanted these babies so desperately and spent the equivalent of a house deposit on IVF to make them! It made it very hard to share how I was feeling because I felt so ashamed for not 'loving every minute'.

How did the experience impact you and your family?

My anxiety often expresses itself as anger which she mostly bore the brunt of, and I also felt a lot of resentment towards her. I know that it was very difficult for her to watch me but also to support me when I had such a short fuse, but was unable to communicate how I really felt.

What happened to encourage you to seek help?

I saw my doctor who changed my antidepressant to an alternative medication which was intended to make me sleep better. However, the effect of coming of the medication made my depression far worse, and I spiraled over the coming weeks.

I had recently returned to work 4 days per week and was not sleeping, very depressed, and utterly burnt out. I returned to the doctor to say that I didn't think the new medication was working and she observed what a terrible state I was in.

She suggested that I consider an admission to a mum and baby unit. I was terrified at the idea but also felt huge relief that there was an option available that gave me some hope that I could get better.

I had tried so hard to keep all the plates spinning but the compassion of that doctor really broke down my barriers. She looked me in the eye and said 'you don't have to want to hurt yourself or your baby to need help', and that was it for me. I entered hospital days later.

Tell us a little about your journey to finding the right support – the challenges and the positives.

I was incredibly fortunate to have private health insurance and live 20 minutes from a private psychiatric hospital with a mother and baby unit.

However on the day that I was due to be admitted I received a call to let me know that my bed had been taken and I would either need to wait a week for a bed, or be admitted to the main hospital (not the mother/baby unit). I found that very triggering as a large part of my depression came from a sense of being in service of others from the moment I woke until the moment I went to bed, and that my needs were never important. Being 'bumped' made me feel like once again I wasn't important enough.

However, I felt so unwell that I decided to be admitted to the main hospital in the hope that a bed in the maternal unit would come up quickly. It did. I moved into the unit two days later but only spent two nights in there.

As my baby was 11 months old at that stage and close to walking, I had chosen to be admitted without her, and found being around the noise of other babies and all of the toys and clutter really overwhelming. Most of the other mothers had very young babies so I found it difficult to relate to them and after two nights I asked to be transferred back out to the main hospital, where I spent almost three weeks.

I made friends, got lots of rest, had a wonderful psychiatrist who I saw daily who got me on the right medication, and every day I felt like I came back to life a little more.

How did the PANDA Helpline counsellor you spoke to help you?

I called the PANDA Helpline with my first baby when she was 6 months of age. Having someone listen, validate and normalise my experience was so cathartic. Also exploring my traumatic birth and understanding the impact that it had had on my early parenting journey was very enlightening. I hadn't connected the two previously.

My partner has a much greater understanding of my mental health now and can connect my moods and behaviours with my illness, rather than personalising it.

It has taken a year of daily medication and regular therapy for me to get to a point where I feel true joy during moments of my parenting again. I still find some days very difficult, but I know this is entirely normal for parents of young children. My doctor keeps reminding me that life will be very different when they are 4 and 6 compared to now when they are 2 and 4.

What do you do now to support your mental health? Tell us about any support you continue to seek out.

I have been open and honest with my employer about my mental health, so I find it easier to communicate my needs if I need time off at short notice or need to build additional rest days into my schedule.

I also share my story with anyone who'll listen. I write about it and share it on social media and find connecting with others with similar experiences so cathartic. It's very easy to get lost in feeling like it's only you who feels a certain way and there must be something wrong with you, but these connections and shared experiences challenge that instantly.

How do you practice self-care?

I limit my caffeine and alcohol intake, take my prescribed medications daily, walk in nature with my dog, take time to be alone for 30 minutes if I'm feeling overwhelmed by my kids/home environment, see my psychiatrist regularly, get fortnightly massages and regular infrared saunas to look after a chronic pain issue I live with (which impacts my mental health if I don't stay on top of it) and buy myself flowers whenever I feel like it.

What message do you have for any parent who might be struggling?

It's not your fault. You are not alone. You are not broken. Our society isn't supporting you the way it should during this transformative time.
It’s not only OK, but incredibly brave to ask for help.