I just knew there was something wrong during my labour. I could see it in our midwife’s eyes as she kept leaving the birthing suite to call our obstetrician, and when she finally arrived, I could see it in her eyes as well.
Our baby was posterior, meaning he was face-up, not face-down, (face-down being the ideal birthing position) and this was putting a lot of pressure on his neck (and my body). We weren’t aware of any of this until the birthing suite was suddenly full of nurses and an anaesthetist, who was hurriedly explaining to me that I was going to need an epidural in case I had to have an emergency caesarean. I had already been pushing for over two hours. I was so confused, as I had asked for an epidural hours before, but our midwife assured me I didn’t need one as the pain wasn’t going to get any worse.
Miraculously, I was able to birth our baby boy without surgical intervention but when they placed him on my chest and started gradually leaving the room, I was in absolute shock and had never been more frightened in my life. I was still numb from the epidural, I couldn’t manoeuvre our son so I could see his face, everyone was rushing around, cleaning up and talking like nothing had just happened.
Eventually there was only my husband, myself and our crying baby boy left behind. I couldn’t comfort him; I was so tired I could barely hold him. I felt like I had left my body and was viewing the entire moment like a scene in a movie, and it was in those crucial few minutes after he was born that my mental health began an incredibly sharp decline.
Birth trauma affected my postnatal health hugely. I was physically and emotionally exhausted in a way I had never experienced before. I kept re-living the last hour or so of my birth experience repeatedly in my mind, I couldn’t switch off. I was beyond tired, but I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was constantly panicked.
I kept waiting to feel that “rush of love” that so many mothers had told me about, but it didn’t come. I couldn’t stop picturing the birthing suite and the chaos that had ensued. I couldn’t stop my brain from imagining horrible things that could have happened, even though I knew they hadn’t, and that our baby was beautiful and perfectly healthy.
Over the next several weeks, my mental health continued to decline, until I was admitted to a Mother Baby Unit when our baby was three weeks old.
I think it is so important for parents to be educated around as many possible birth situations as possible, so they can actively advocate for themselves during this time. I believe that birth doesn’t have to be a scary or traumatic experience, but being prepared and informed just in case, is the key.
Birth trauma can trigger a lot of undesirable mental health outcomes; therefore, I believe having these discussions and making sure parents-to-be are informed, is really important when it comes to raising awareness without automatically instilling fear.
I wish I had been prepared enough to advocate for myself and be assertive about the things I needed during such an important part of my life, and I would encourage anyone who may give birth in the future to really be aware of your options and your rights. If you have a birthing partner, make sure that they are aware too.
If you do find your birthing experience traumatic, please seek support as soon as you can. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the sooner you can speak to someone and process what you went through, the sooner you will be able to heal. It is impossible to predict what will happen when delivering a baby but being informed and prepared to speak up for yourself or making sure your birth partner can speak up on your behalf, are really big steps in the right direction.
Mental health checklist
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Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.