My name is Daniel. I'm 34, and I have a 2.5-year-old, Archie.
I am neurodivergent and found out later in life at 27.
I spent a large portion of my life socially disadvantaged growing up between Western Sydney and regional NSW.
I lacked good male role models and struggled with my sense of belonging growing up - this unknowingly led to me struggling with my mental health. I found that my diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) helped me make sense of who I am, and the unique qualities I possess.
I failed my high school education and was told by teachers "get used to saying this, ‘would you like large fries with that?’". Already struggling with my mental health, it was times like these that stand out, as it changed the perceptions I had of myself and who I was as a person.
I am the first person in my family to go to university and the first to purchase a house. At work I lead the way for disability and disadvantaged employment for a large infrastructure organisation and have won a few National Awards for what I do.
I’ve achieved things that I could never have dreamed of, and I would give anything to tell my younger self how things would end up. These experiences have taught me empathy and the ability to see someone else’s life through their eyes. I wouldn’t have achieved the things I have today without those experiences.
These feelings have given me purpose to teach Archie and others all the things I had to figure out myself, including understanding and accepting who I am as a human.
Mental health in the perinatal period
In 2021 when Archie was born, I found myself in the darkest depression I had felt. Archie’s birth wasn't what we imagined. I found myself spending the first month of his life living in hospital and caring for him fulltime while his mother recovered.
This had a huge impact on our relationship. We had been together for 7 years and shared some amazing moments, but it all changed after the birth. We both struggled with the situation. I wasn’t prepared to care for Archie full-time.
I am naturally a very social being, but I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I stopped going out or connecting with friends. My mental health was deteriorating, and I wasn’t able to see that unfolding before my eyes.
“I felt so overwhelmed with my situation that I would uncontrollably cry. My internal monologue was constantly negative, and the feelings of failure were something I couldn't shake. Those were the key signs to know I wasn’t doing okay.”
I was too scared to ask for help. As the birth didn't happen to me, I felt my feelings were invalid and that lead me to struggle with having no voice or support. The nature of the situation meant that our relationship broke down and we decided to separate 3 months after having Archie.
I then had to figure out not only how to be a parent, but also how to be a part-time parent.
Having ADHD and lots of internal monologue, I couldn’t ever "switch off". I was constantly judging myself and comparing myself to friends who managed to make their relationship work and wondering why I couldn’t. I wondered would I be a great dad? Will Archie resent me like I did my dad? It was the toughest time I've faced in my life.
Seeking help
My sister encouraged me to seek help and by having open and honest conversations with her about how I felt, I could get thoughts out of my head. She was my saving grace because she heard me, validated my feelings, and assured me that things would get better. And they did.
“I was able to have those hard conversations - the ones where I could cry and have someone hug me and tell me it would be okay.”
My sister had a not-so-great birth, and she is such an amazing mum to my nephews. Seeing how it worked out for her reassured me that I still am a great man, and a great dad. It was the situation and not me as a person.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what people say, it’s about how you perceive yourself. It was great to know I had support from people that genuinely loved and cared about me, but I needed to give that love to myself. To not be harsh and critical and to understand that these inconveniences in life are part of a bigger picture. These times helped me build an unbelievable amount of resilience, a new lens and a love for myself and the unique qualities I possess.
Although I don’t get to see my son as much as I would if I was a full-time dad, I don’t take for granted the time we have together and I know in my heart that I am a phenomenal dad, with a soft, gentle, and accepting heart. My love for him is unconditional, regardless of anything he chooses to become in life -something I wished for every night as a child.
Reflecting now, being able to get through the tough time in my life, and still managing to show up with a smile on my face and faith that I will be okay has helped me more than anything else ever has. Each time I speak honestly and openly, in all parts of my life, I become a better person and better father to Archie.
Ongoing support of mental health
To support my mental health, I use physical activity. When I feel anxious or trapped in my thoughts, I go for a run, or a walk. I concentrate on my breathing and being in the present.
A great technique to ground myself is saying out loud 5 things I can see, like a kookaburra in a tree, 4 things I can hear, a siren in the distance, and 3 things I can touch like running my hand along a fence. I quite often talk to myself in my head and these techniques take me away from those thoughts of the past and the future, and back to being in the here and now.
I like to have routine, structure, and discipline. When all else fails, I go back to the basics. I go to bed at 10:30, get up at 7am, cook my dinners, and do a minimum of30-minutes exercise a day. I don't set the bar to be unachievable because that creates a feeling of failure.
