I am married to Jessica, and together we have a seven-year-old daughter.
In new parenthood, the biggest challenge that I did not anticipate was the lack of sleep and the subsequent effect that this had on my functioning. The struggles compounded over time, and adversely affected my mental health.
In the days following her birth, our daughter was not feeding and lost body weight. My wife struggled herself in the ensuing days meaning the postnatal period was a particularly stressful, anxious time for us all.
I had not really experienced much by way of mental illness in the past, or even really considered that I could be prone to it. As such, it was hard to understand exactly what it was, let alone acknowledge that I had some form of anxiety I was unable to cope with. I wanted to remain strong but at the same time, not acknowledging it was becoming detrimental.
“As a father, particular in the early days after birth, it was difficult for me to understand my “role”. ”
At times I just didn’t know where or how to help, which made me feel helpless and hopeless. It was extremely difficult to see my wife struggle with new parenthood as well.
Seeking support
As part of the maternal health nurse home visits, we were introduced to Parentline. I can vividly remember the first time that I broke down uncontrollably. My wife encouraged me to call Parentline, and suggested I talk to a psychologist.
Parentline, like PANDA, helped to normalise that challenges occur during this period. It made me realise that it was ok to ask for help, and that I am not alone as a dad in the challenges faced during this period.
Through Parentline and with the help of a psychologist, I was able to learn coping strategies that worked for me, as well as an avenue for support that was impartial.
With that said, challenges were still faced even when help was on hand, including finding the time and being in the right frame of mind. Even just having space and time at home for privacy to speak to a helpline proved difficult. Psychologists and counsellors had long waiting lists and often didn’t have suitable appointment times available.
Getting the right support continues to be an ongoing journey as different stages of life present new challenges over time.
Recovery
For me now, supporting my mental health is an important, ongoing part of my life. No different to maintaining physical health through regular exercise and healthy eating. After I found the right support, the challenges I faced were still difficult, but slowly over time I saw gradual improvement.
Today I am more confident in looking for the right kind of help. I have accepted that life is going to be hard at times and that we can be responsible for tackling these challenges head on.
I continue to see a psychologist regularly, and sometimes call Mensline if I am feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to. I also exercise more self-care and compassion towards my mind and body, whether physical exercise such as Pilates or practicing mindfulness through meditation to help find the right balance. I know that challenging times will occur. Rather than hoping they don't occur, I now find space for these times to come and pass by using strategies that I have adopted.
“It has been important for me to actively find balance as a parent and husband by also prioritising other facets of my life such as friends and family, extra-curricular activities like sport, and travel to maintain an overall well-being.”
A message for others who might be struggling
The newborn phase is one filled with so many different emotions that it can be hard to keep up. The ups and downs can be particularly unsettling, and many men may feel like it is weak for a man to ask for help.
For others in a similar position, I encourage you to challenge this perception. These feelings are perfectly normal so don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
“You can be there for your partner and children by being there for yourself too.”
There are a lot of different kinds of help available. For example, see if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), call a free helpline or visit your GP.
Know that it won't always be like this.
