My little (big) family includes my almost 10-year-old son, his twin brother and sister who are 6, and my husband. I'm Chinese and my husband is Cambodian, and we are generously supported by my sister and my parents. We also have a black Labrador named Jet and four backyard chickens - because life is not chaotic enough.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to be a perfectionist. I expected my experience of parenthood to be challenging but not difficult. I worked in maternal and child health and expected to have a good understanding of what children need. My sister was born when I was ten, so I had strong memories of caring for her a lot in her early childhood.
Mental health and wellbeing in the perinatal period
I started to notice changes to my mental health when my grandfather passed away. I was very close to him, and I was hopeful that my grandfather would live to meet his first great-grandchild. I was distraught when he died just 2 months shy of my son being born. He was also the first boy in our family in a generation, and culturally speaking, this was quite significant. Due to being heavily pregnant, I was unable to attend his funeral, which led to difficulties processing his death. My moods became more volatile than usual, but I mostly kept this to myself and pushed those thoughts away to maintain a strong facade in life and at work.
When my son was born, I became obsessed with routine, feeding schedules, and random things like sleeping positions (I would turn his head every two hours so he wouldn't get a 'flat head'). I doubted myself a lot but wouldn’t let my husband or my mother-in-law assist. We were living in Cambodia at the time, so I did not have my own family to help me. It was a conflicting time. The sleep deprivation exacerbated my situation, but I became very good at hiding the stress by overcompensating and being extra hyped when I was awake.
Finding help
My friends encouraged me to get help. They were true friends. They were worried about the state I was in. I confided in them, and they set up my recovery plan. I am lucky to have friends that work in the health system. When I returned to Australia to visit my family, they made all the necessary arrangements. They liaised with my doctor, the mental health system, with my parents, and my husband. They found me a place at an in-patient facility when my condition reached a tipping point. They helped me to see I was unwell and that I needed serious help.
Having lived in Cambodia during the early period of motherhood, and then coming back to Australia to receive care, I have to say how good our health system is. I experienced some of the most caring and understanding health professionals, and a place that gave me the chance to recover, away from the stressors that made my condition worse. And it was all supported under Medicare, so my family and I didn't have to worry about cost.
Family support
Mental health is not a topic you discuss or acknowledge in Asian culture. There was a lot of 'well all the other mothers survived, so you will be fine' attitudes. My mother-in-law had 7 children and experienced infant loss but remained a powerful matriarchal figure. My husband's family also survived the Khmer Rouge regime. My seemingly small struggles felt so insignificant to what happened to them. I felt weak for acknowledging my struggles.
My own family never discussed mental health. There was a lot of unintentional victim-blaming and judgment.
Family support is a key part in the diagnosis and eventual recovery process. I wanted to explain to my family what was wrong with me but did not have the right resources to do so. I didn't know what perinatal anxiety and depression was in Chinese and it's not a condition that was commonplace to discuss with my parents, or them with their friends.
“I found it difficult to find language and culturally appropriate resources to give them to them until I found the Chinese language information brochure on the PANDA website.”
My parents and I used my experience to talk about mental health which we had never done before and was incredibly rewarding. We are now much more open about these struggles and there is more understanding and less judgement.
Recovery journey
It wasn't sunshine and roses right away. It was a long process of balancing medication and responsibilities. It was the admission of my condition that turned things around.
“The knowledge that it wasn't just me experiencing this was more profound than anything else.”
Day-to-day things got easier as I learnt to share my caring duties with my husband when we went back to Cambodia. I agreed to hire a nanny and cleaner a few days a week so I could go back to work. Identifying as a working professional was important to me. Going back to work was not easy though, and I wonder now, if that was the right choice at the time.
I was lucky not to experience perinatal anxiety and depression the second time around and I believe I have my support system to thank for that.
Self-care
Nowadays, I am very protective of 'me time' and I cut myself a lot of slack. I threw away my perfectionism ideologies and gave myself room to just 'go with the flow'. I make sure I spend time with my kids and without my kids (time which I now relish). I spend a lot of time with friends who fill my cup. I am more thankful of what I have, rather than focusing on what I don't have. I am kind to myself.
I allow myself to veg out and binge watch TV shows. I take long baths with the bathroom door locked. I take myself out for meals. I go on trips away without my children and don’t feel guilty about it. I journal. I am still yet to drink hot coffee or tea, but you have to have something to work on!
It's not easy but it's rewarding (yes, depression can be rewarding) and you will get through it and come out a better version of yourself that is stronger, more resilient and with a greater capacity to help yourself and others.
“Be kind to yourself and seek help early. You'll be surprised at how understanding people can be.”
Find your people - those who will tell you the truth because they love you and want the best for you. Find them and keep them close.
Don't worry about your baby, they'll be fine. As long as someone is feeding them and putting them to sleep, they won't know what's going on. And that person doesn't always have to be you. Let others help you.
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