Megan's story: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a new parent
"I would look at my baby and see my father and wonder ‘how could I ever love him?’. All while loving him more than anything and fearing that I would lose him too."
I am a 33-year-old psychology student. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children, a pigeon pair who are 6 and 4. I live in regional Central Queensland and I am a childhood survivor of domestic violence.
My whole life, I have struggled with what I now know is anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). I thought I was the efficient person at work who was a strong leader and got things done despite the stress it caused me and the tears shed in hidden spaces.
I gave birth to my second child in 2019. I had a beautiful, complication-free birth, and my baby boy was calm and healthy. However, people quickly started pointing out how much he looked like my father, who significantly physically and emotionally abused me, my mum and siblings, before dying by suicide when I was 12.
“Initially, I would just shake off those comments, but before long, I was unable to put my baby down for fear he would die. ”
I couldn't leave the house, and most alarmingly, I would look at my baby and see my father and wonder ‘how could I ever love him?’. All while loving him more than anything and fearing that I would lose him too. My husband advocated for me, and I was referred to a psychologist.
This was my second child, and after an easy postpartum journey the first time, I was not expecting to be hit with postnatal mental health issues the second time around.
Upon meeting with the psychologist, it soon became clear that I was actually suffering from a significant flare-up of C-PTSD brought on by the comments about my baby looking like my father.
Our families were not aware of my suffering as I didn't want anyone to know, so my husband and I needed to keep up appearances, which always added more stress. When I finally felt confident enough to tell my family, it ended in a falling out with a close family member. We now have not spoken for over two years, which hurts my heart every day.
My husband could see that I was suffering. He would find me crying, shaking and not coping. He would have to physically take our son from me at bedtime and put him down to sleep because my arms and mind had a vice grip on him that would not allow me to put him down in case he never woke up again.
One day when preparing for our 4-week appointment with the community nurses, my husband told me that if I was not truthful with them about how I was feeling, he would tell them because one way or another, I was getting help that day.
I also confided in a friend about my struggles, and she gave me the name of a psychologist she had been seeing and assured me she would be able to help. I was nervous, as the only other time I had seen a psychologist, it didn't help, and I ceased attending.
At my first appointment, I was met by a warm, motherly, yet no bars held, South African Psychologist. She wears fabulous dresses and glasses, yet she is warm and empathetic. She was the one for me!
Nothing I told her about my life shocked her.
“She assured me that I was not a bad mother because of the thoughts I was having, and she enveloped me in her care.”
Over four years later, I still see her, and she is part of the reason I am now studying to be a psychologist.
It was a slow burn because I had over 20 years of untreated trauma to unpack. Over time, I learned to understand why I am the way I am, and it has made my life, and my husbands so much easier. When I feel a certain way and I don't know why, I have the tools now to take stock and investigate within and find the reason why. I still have anxiety related to my son, and keeping him safe. But it is much less now, and I understand my little behaviours around this.
I found it very difficult to leave the house on my own with my children for the first six months of my sons life. I slowly found places that I felt safe to go with my children and once a week we would go out for babycinos and coffee.
I continue to see my therapist at least every two months and more when I am struggling. I try to do yoga as often as I can, be mindful in my activities and interactions, and be kind to myself when things are hard.
I have a wonderful group of friends who I can turn to and who would be here for me in a heartbeat. Cultivating this mindset and having the confidence to be open about my mental health has not been easy, but it has been worth it. I am now able to do things that, once upon a time I would have not even considered.
My message for parents experiencing mental health challenges it this: It's ok - these thoughts and feelings you have now do not make you a bad person or parent. Having children is really tough, especially when it is your first. Asking for help can be scary, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby. The first step is the hardest step, but you can do it. You are a good parent, I am proud of you, and you've got this.
“These thoughts and feelings you have now do not make you a bad person or parent”
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