My name is Emma. I’m 39, a Special Education Teacher. I’m married to Tim, and we’ve been together for 21 years. We have three sons who are 10, 5 and 3.
I thought having a baby would be easy, and pregnancy would be amazing. I thought I would be so grateful to be pregnant and just enjoy the experience. I had experience working with babies and children in my career in childcare/teaching, so I thought I would instantly know everything about having a baby.
For me, all my experiences were incredibly difficult. I struggled with hyperemesis (severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy), problems with my joints, infertility with two of my three children and I suffered three miscarriages. It took three years, two fertility doctors, many invasive tests, medications, and a surgery to conceive my first son. I then had anxiety about how my baby was, as it took so long to conceive him. I did not enjoy pregnancy, as I was sick and in pain for the entire time.
A traumatic birth
My first son was born in an incredibly fast and intense labour. He got stuck during the birthing process, and as I pushed him out, I suffered a fourth-degree tear, which required urgent surgery.
After the birth of my first son, the feeling of anxiety overwhelmed me within hours. I had pictured in my head that I would spend time with him as soon as he was born, but due to my injury, I was immediately taken away from him to surgery, and didn’t come back until about 6 hours later.
“I remember lying in recovery, feeling sick, and in pain, and like I had already failed at being a mother, because I wasn’t with my baby.”
Having a newborn was nothing like what I expected, and I felt horribly guilty for not feeling instant love, or overwhelming joy for the baby I so desperately wanted. I felt out of control, and that I had no idea what I was doing, when I ‘should’ have.
Both my husband and I went through postnatal depression with our first child. I struggled to cope as a mother, and my husband struggled to support me. He didn’t know what to do and felt like a failure. I turned to my own family for support, and we moved in with them for a short period, which really impacted our relationship.
It took a while (3-4 months), but it slowly got better. I had regular therapy sessions, I took medication, and I joined a mother’s group. I look back on that time as joyful. I learned so much about myself, I grew my confidence as a parent, and I really loved being a little family. My husband and I became stronger. We both recovered as the months went on, and we recovered our relationship.
Pregnancy and birth following a previously traumatic experience
I thought when I finally fell pregnant with my second child that I’d know what to do - that having a newborn would be easy, as I’d done it before. I did not expect postnatal depression a second time and I made no preparations for it.
I thought I was coping well for the first few days, but right before I was discharged, I started to become anxious, and developed insomnia. I struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from the experience with my first child and felt myself quickly disappearing down the same road. I knew as soon as I arrived home that I was going to need help.
I spoke to PANDA after the birth of my second child. The counsellors were amazing. They listened to me talk and cry and reassured me that I wasn’t alone. They also helped to find local services that were open during that period.
My psychologist recommended I attend a mother and baby unit (MBU). My husband, along with our mothers, helped to juggle the household while I was away. He was incredibly supportive, and even went and had his own therapy to try and support me. It had a big impact on our oldest son, who had just started kindergarten, and didn’t understand why his mother and new brother were in a hospital.
Attending the MBU was the best thing I have ever done to support myself. I found others that had similar experiences and bonded with them. I learned more about myself, I learned how to be confident as a parent of two. I learned to speak up quickly, to set boundaries and be ok with them. My husband learned how to look after himself as well.
I learned from my first two experiences that I needed to prepare myself.
“For my third pregnancy I knew I needed to set up support before the birth, go on medication, and make all health professionals aware of my history so that they could give me the best support.”
Looking after yourself
I remain on a low dose of medication. I seek support from a psychologist when necessary. I prioritise mental and physical health by engaging in self-care. I love to dance and attend Zumba classes. I go to the gym a few times a week and walk on the treadmill while listening to podcasts. I catch up with girlfriends for coffee and dinners. I plan experiences for us to go on as a family. I love to read - I will finish a book in a day if you let me.
A message for other parents
You are not alone. You will recover if you put in the work and look after yourself. There will be another side to this. Eventually, you’ll look back and think, ‘Holy moly, I’ve survived! I’m a badass! I’m strong!’
“It takes work, and effort, and sometimes confronting things you feel uncomfortable with. But you are so worth it.”
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Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.
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Talk with your doctor
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