I grew up all over the world but have made Western Australia my home. My family is all overseas, but I am lucky to have a supportive husband, and his family here in Perth. I have 2 children, a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and my husband works FIFO (fly-in-fly-out).
Everyone told me the second baby would be easier (and in some ways it was). You already know how to be a parent right? So just add one more.
When my daughter was born, my son was in the process of being assessed for ASD. We chose to keep our newborn home because there was a measles outbreak in our area. And then about 5 months later, COVID hit Australia. So needless to say, we had a lot going on.
We were also starting to build a house in the southwest where we were planning to move. We were renting while our house was being finished and had double the bills to pay. I was stressed about things like nappies, because the only ones on the shelves were premium brands, if any. All of that stuff adds up both financially and mentally.
“The mental load at that time in your life is huge even if money isn’t something that has created stress in the past. For me it created more anxiety and stress that I didn’t know how to manage.”
Realising I didn’t feel right
I was very overwhelmed all the time and in my head was aware that I had absolutely nothing to feel “sad about”. I felt so disconnected. I couldn’t be present for either of my children. I had no control over anything, and I was angry all the time. I just wanted to be everything to both of my children, but I felt like I was failing them both. By the time COVID hit and we were in a small townhouse. We decided to completely quarantine. We didn’t even go for walks as my son was too young to understand that he couldn’t go and play on the playgrounds or talk to other people.
“I woke up one day and I couldn’t remember the last time I had a good day. ”
At this stage I thought I just felt “not quite right”. So, I reached out to someone to watch my kids so I could go to the GP, and they couldn’t help because they were already busy. Then it really hit me, I just cried in my kitchen on the floor because it felt hopeless and finally admitted to myself how bad I had gotten without realising.
Finding the right support
When I went to my GP, she went into full on crisis mode. She even went out of her way to call a GP in the southwest where we were moving as she didn’t want to just refer me to anyone. She wrote a prescription for me and just listened while I cried in her office.
Eventually I spoke to someone who helped me identify my thought patterns, but I didn’t have any trauma or underlying causes that I wasn’t already aware of. It was SO helpful, but ongoing sessions weren’t what I needed.
“Medication was helpful but I didn’t start really getting better until I found my toy library and playgroup family.”
Finding support in my community
By the time we got to the southwest, restrictions had eased so we could get out of the house more. In the Southwest there weren’t as many facilitated services and activities as in Perth, and even less that I could take both of my children to due to their age difference. So, I joined our local toy library and our local playgroup (both of which were 100% volunteer run) because it’s something I could do with both of my children. I remember having to give myself pep talks to go as my anxiety was through the roof. Then one day I woke up flat and I sought out those people instead of isolating from them. I remember vividly being aware of the shift and it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
“I loved the toy library because regardless of how I felt that day, in my head I knew I could be there for 10 minutes with no pressure to stay, but once I got there, I almost always stayed.”
Borrowing toys took so much pressure off us financially, especially since we went from very limited space to a house with a yard, so we had more space that we felt like we needed to fill. Toys gave me a way to connect with my son through play which I think we both needed. I learnt about what he liked to play with and picking toys was an activity we could do together. He could also just be himself at the toy library. I didn’t feel like he had to fit into a box - “do that activity” or “it’s time to sing in a circle” (which always resulted in me feeling guilty because all he wanted to do is run in a circle). My daughter is just obsessed with toys, so she would’ve lived there if I let her.
Then I joined the committee, and I think that’s when I went from feeling like I was getting better to REALLY feeling like myself again.
“It reminded me that although I’m a mum and I love being a mum, I have this whole other skill set. ”
And the beauty of a volunteer run not for profit is they can adapt to what families need them to be. It means that volunteers can have a cool idea about something that you’re passionate about and bring your voice to a community group. It also meant I could help other mums find support.
Looking after myself now
To look after my mental health now, I talk about it. Especially when I’m not feeling okay. I don’t just say “good” when someone asks me anymore. Now I’m honest. The people around me that I found through toy libraries and playgroup were my absolute lifeline and are a big part of my maintaining my mental health now.
“To other parents I would say that even if you just feel a little bit down, talk about it. Start small. It can spiral without you realising and more mums have needed help than you realise.”
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