My name is Abby and I live with my husband, Simon and my little boy Felix, who just turned 8. Simon is German and I am Australian, and we met when we were both living in America. We fell in love and got married three times (!) - once in New Orleans, then in Brisbane and then in Germany. When we felt we were ready to grow our family, I became pregnant relatively quickly and we were so excited to become parents.
Sadly, at our 8-week scan we discovered that I had miscarried the baby. We were shocked and heartbroken. We waited for about four months and tried again and sadly, lost our second baby at around 11 weeks. Felix, our miracle rainbow baby, was born in August 2015 and we are so very lucky to have him in our lives.
I realised that I was struggling with my mental health and wellbeing after my second miscarriage in 2014. I visited home (Australia) for a few months to be with my family and visited my old doctor, who I trusted. I told him that I thought I may need to see a psychologist and he questioned me about it and told me that there was a "long waitlist" so there may be no point trying to get an appointment. I was disheartened and then also questioned my need to seek help.
“I thought, if my doctor didn't think I needed help, then did I really need it?”
I struggled with severe anxiety for my entire pregnancy with Felix. Every minute of every day I felt overwhelmed and sick at the thought that I could lose the baby any minute.
After a difficult birth and hard adjustment to breast feeding, my anxiety was even worse, but I lied to my obstetrician at my six-week checkup fearing I would be judged.
My expectations of pregnancy and parenthood were, in a word, rosy. I never imagined anything but a smooth road! I had thought I would be a Julie Andrews character as a Mum - baking all day, doing arts and crafts and enjoying endless bonding with my baby. But after the trauma and anxiety I experienced, I felt that life was very far removed from that picture. It took time to bond with my baby because I feared he could leave me at any moment. Breastfeeding for us was extremely difficult and took months to master. Sleep was non-existent.
The 'love bubble' I expected was not the 'all day every day' experience I thought it would be - yes, I loved Felix with all of my heart and would do anything for him, but gosh I found it difficult to be a Mum for quite some time. We were isolated and away from my family and my husband's family and I felt like I would seem weak or like a bad parent to seek proper help.
The experience had a lasting impact on me and completely changed the way I lived my life. I went from a spontaneous, fun-loving and outgoing person to a shell of my former self. I was anxious to the point of being paranoid about my child's safety. It took a long time (and a lot of therapy) to slowly return to the Abby that I once was!
There were also large impacts on my relationship with my husband. I suspect we both experienced anxiety, though he never had a formal diagnosis. Our exhaustion, trauma and lack of support led to us pulling apart a lot instead of being a team. Again, we were able to repair this over time, but it was not the picture of parenting we were expecting!
It was definitely challenging to find the right support for me. I was lucky enough to have a very supportive Mum, but as she had a different lived experience to me, I felt very alone. As mentioned above, my husband and I were at odds and were both going through mental health challenges in a foreign country. My friends and family were very far away and even when we moved to Australia and I was near them again, my anxiety, grief and loss were a barrier that I found hard to overcome.
I did do some 'therapist shopping', which I think is vital because the journey is so much easier when you find someone you properly trust and resonate with. My amazing counsellor has supported me, challenged me, sent me resources and most importantly, been my cheerleader as I slowly but surely got myself back. I also work closely with my doctor and take anxiety medication on an ongoing basis to manage my anxiety.
Things gradually improved for myself and my family after I found the right support systems. I started to prioritise self-care and did little things to increase joy in my everyday life. The stronger and more supported I felt, the easier I found parenting to be. Those moments of love, laughter and joy started to creep up on a regular basis and I could delight in my baby more. Felix and I have built a beautiful bond, but it definitely took some faith and time!
It took some time for myself and my husband to regain the relationship we'd had before we were first pregnant. We both went to regular therapy (separately) and managed our mental health and over time, when we were both in better places individually, we worked hard to become a strong couple again.
My experiences were not easy to go through but have ultimately motivated me to work supporting parents so they know there IS always light at the end of the tunnel!
For any parents who might be struggling, I want you to know that no stage lasts forever, even though it really seems like it will. Help and resources are out there so please don't ever think you are alone. Lastly, taking care of yourself is not selfish - it is imperative to ensuring that you are able to take care of your baby and your family!
Seek support when you need it, do things that bring you joy and trust that you are exactly who your baby needs.
“The stronger and more supported I felt, the easier I found parenting to be. Those moments of love, laughter and joy started to creep up on a regular basis and I could delight in my baby more.”
How Abby practices self-care and supports her mental health:
I speak to my counsellor regularly and take anti-anxiety medication daily. I have also developed a lot of self-awareness around my mental health, so when I feel that my anxiety is increasing, I know I need to take the time out that I need, speak to friends, get outside and do things that connect me back to myself.
I also meditate, go to yoga, do craft projects (my favourite at the moment are the little glitter dot artworks!), spend time with Felix laughing and playing outside, snuggle with my dog Ernest, speak to my friends and ALWAYS enjoy a delicious daily coffee.
Mental health checklist
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Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.