It takes courage for expecting and new parents to speak up about their mental health and seek help. There’s so much pressure to ‘get it right’ in pregnancy and early parenthood.
At the same time, it can feel scary as a support person to start a conversation about mental health.
Common worries about talking about mental health
- I’m so worried about them, but I don’t know how to bring it up…
- What if I say the wrong thing and that makes everything worse?
- They say they are okay, but I can tell they aren't. How do I let them know I want to help?
- I told them I was concerned, but they said they didn’t want to talk about it. What do I do now?
Sometimes when we want to support someone, we worry too much about getting it right. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, perfect parent, or perfect support. We’re all human, simply doing the best we can to care for each other.
Supporting someone you love when they’re having a hard time is really about the care, curiosity, and empathy you bring to the conversation.
Expecting and new parents just want someone to listen to them, with compassion, care and no judgement.
That means asking someone how they are, then listening to what they share with you without offering advice, solutions, or trying to fix anything for them.
Trust that your loved one is the expert in their own life. Tell them this when you talk to them – that you trust them to find their way through any challenge, and you’re there to support them as they make sense of things.
Try asking direct questions
- Do you need empathy and emotional support right now?
- Or do you want to focus on possible solutions?
Sometimes a chat can swing back and forth between empathy and strategy, or naturally move from one focus to the other.
As a support person, it can take some time to switch from a default mode of problem-solving and advice-giving to listening and validation. If you notice this happening, and you’re the one who switched focus, it’s always a good idea to pause a moment and see what the other person is finding most helpful.
Helpful responses you can give when talking about mental health
If someone you care about shares that they’re having a hard time with their mental health, pregnancy and/or parenting, some helpful responses include:
- That sounds really hard. I’m here for you, and I want to help.
- I’m so glad you’ve trusted me with how you’re feeling - I can’t imagine how it felt managing all that by yourself. How are you feeling now?
- I care about you, and it seems like you’re having a super stressful time. Everyone needs and deserves some extra support when they’re pregnant/have a baby. Have you told anyone else how you’re feeling? (Depending on their response, see how they’d feel about talking to a healthcare provider like their doctor, or calling PANDA)
- I’d like to do something practical to help, like cook you a meal or watch (baby’s name) while you shower/have a rest/attend your doctor’s appointment. What else do you need right now?
- I’m going to check in on you again soon and see how you’re going. We’ll get through this together.
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Other Helpline tips for supportive conversations
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When a supportive conversation needs to move into proactive help-seeking
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How to mend after a chat becomes unhelpful or leads to an argument
Mental health checklist
How are you going?
Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Our mental health checklist can help you to see if what you’re experiencing or observing in a loved one could be reason to seek help.